You Can Never Have Enough
by Forsaken Heretic
Summary: There are plenty of stories of a Humanity that makes First Contact by being pretty badass. Here is what happens when you have a humanity that takes that to the extreme end of the spectrum. A crackfic that I am posting as an answer to a challenge from a coworker. Rated for scenes of pure manliness, badassness, and pure insanity.


Chapter the First

Or

The one where a Turian s**ts himself

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is the property of Electronic Arts and Bioware. If you seriously believe I own this then let me know. I have a bridge I want to sell you.

Quintus Vatorin scowled as he returned to the beginning of the report he held in his talons. Despite being read several times the report refused to cooperate with the Turian ambassador and change itself into a more acceptable form. His scowl deepened as one of the other passengers in the courier shuttle spoke up.

"Quintus how many times have you read that report?" the Asari Matron said amusedly. Vala Vennizi, while an attractive example of the Asari people had a tendency to grate on his nerves with the way she treated everyone younger than two centuries like a child. Quintus glared once more at the offending report before throwing it onto the table between them.

"Twelve times…" he muttered angrily, "Twelve times Vala, and it is still a bunch of nonsense."

With a shake of his head he leaned back before continuing.

"Honestly either the patrol commander has gone completely crazy and needs to be committed or he is the most incompetent idiot in the entire Hierarchy and should be drummed out of the military immediately."

"You mean you don't trust the report?"

Quintus turned to regard the other companion, an anonymous Salarian Spectre, before answering.

"And you do?" he asked derisively as he gestured dismissively at the report, "Ships that dwarf even our largest dreadnaughts, Directed Energy Weapons that curve to strike multiple ships, and even more insulting, the idea that both the fleet and the ground forces detachment were completely routed in less THAN TWO HOURS?" he finished with a roar, mandibles twitching angrily. With a deep breath he attempted to calm himself before continuing.

"And to make it even worse the commander had the gall to surrender… Surrender!"

The Salarian shrugged before responding.

"When confronted with superior forces surrender is usually an acceptable course of action."

Quintus growled before jabbing a talon into the Spectre's chest.

"Turians do NOT surrender under any circumstances…" The Salarian cut him off before he could continue.

"Yes yes we know all about Turian bravado Ambassador, but if the report is true than it would be best if you kept that under wraps lest you insult a particularly advance species."

Before Quintus could retort the intercom crackled to life with an announcement that they were approaching Relay 314. Quintus glared at the fellow passengers before straightening his tunic and making his way to the cockpit.

"I will take it under advisement Spectre," he growled, "but let me remind you that you are here simply to observe nothing more."

He then rounded on the Asari that was following them.

"And you are here simply to mediate; I am the only one here with the power to negotiate on behalf of the Hierarchy."

Vala held her hands up placating the man, "Of course ambassador although I am curious," she said as she looked past him to look at the approaching relay, "How do you explain the loss of your fleet in such a short amount of time?"

He snorted as he stood at attention.

"Obviously the fleet commander was an incompetent fool of the highest order and is attempting to cover his ass with wild tales of," he then held his talons up in a gesture he had seen some asari do to emphasize a point, "'Invincible Fleets of Ships'" he smiled condescendingly, "the Turian Hierarchy has dismissed such claims."

He turned back to the front of the cockpit as the ship began to interface the relay.

"It's obvious that what we are actually dealing with are a bunch of primitive with only the barest understanding of Mass Effect Technology meddling with things beyond their comprehension and…" he trailed off as the ship completed the relay transition and he got his first glimpse of the so called primitives ships.

Before them laid a massive fleet of ships larger than he had ever seen. But even more shocking than the size of the ships was the design of them. It seemed like the presiding design theme for this species was armaments. Every ship mounted more visible armaments than he had ever seen. And the sheer amount of chrome plating was overwhelming. Some even seemed to have flames painted onto the front of some of them and… Was that a nude woman painted on the front of that dreadnaught in front of them?

Beside him Vala had gone paler than he had ever seen an asari go and seemed to be muttering prayers to her goddess. The spectre on the other hand had a grin on his face before clapping Quintus on the shoulder.

"You're right," he said with barely contained amusement, "They are obviously a group of primitives that desperately need our guidance in matters." He began walking away.

"I'm going to go update the Council on this delightful this mess your people have landed us in." He stopped and sniffed the air before turning back to Quintus.

"And speaking of messes you may want to change yourself before you meet with them. They make take offense to the smell."


End file.
